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It's still pretty cool, even if you're not in a 1973 Ford Pinto with the fucked up interior and the glovebox door that won't stay closed.

So I clicked back to Althouse after checking out shit on 4chan, and I see she is back from a road trip. And, like, I think the road trip is one of the best things about America.

I mean, I think the GPS shit takes some of the fun out of it now, you don't, like, have a big blue paper map all folded ass-backwards and you got the dome light on to try to see where the hell you are because it's dark and shit, but it's still pretty cool, even if you're not in a 1973 Ford Pinto with the fucked up interior and the glovebox door that won't stay closed.

Anyway, Kerouac wrote some cool shit about road trips, but reading about her going to Texas makes me think of the road trip in 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.'

Like, the film is about these kids on a road trip to a concert or something, it was the Seventies so it was probably some shit like Foghat. But the van breaks down in the middle of Buttfuck, Texas, and they go off to try to find help, because they didn't have cell phones then, and even if they did they probably couldn't get any reception.

And there are still places today in America where you can drive thirty miles and never get phone reception, which is pretty cool, really, because sometimes it's good to be somewhere where people can't get ahold of you, and you can just look at the sky and shit and think about how the pioneer dudes must've felt in their covered wagons, even if you're actually in a 1973 Ford Pinto with the fucked up interior and the glovebox door that won't stay closed.

So anyway the kids who break down in Texas and are going to miss the Foghat concert go to an old broken-down farmhouse, because maybe they have one of those old rotary phones with the dial and shit, but instead of help they find a family of cannibals, and one of the cannibal dudes wears a mask made of human skin and dances in the hot Texas sun with his chainsaw. It's kinda poetic, really, except with that heat the mask probably smelled like a homeless dude's ass.

But that's part of the magic of the American road trip: you might see Mount Rushmore and shit, or you might run into a family of cannibals and watch your friends get hoisted up on meathooks.

They remade "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" a few years ago, but it wasn't as good as the Seventies one, because the Seventies one felt real sweaty dirty, not the new 'Hollywood dirty' where an old gas station looks like what some LA hipster who's never even been in a WalMart thinks an old Texas gas station looks like.

But the new one did have Jessica Biel in a tight T-shirt tied up above her stomach and shit, and she's got nice tits, so that part was good.

Comments

  1. JaqApril 17, 2018 at 7:04 AM

    The seventies was the last time shit was real, I think. I wouldn't go back without a hazmat suit, but that's just the decades of wussification talking.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JaqApril 17, 2018 at 7:10 AM

    The sixties were cool too. When you knew that the gym teacher making you climb that rope to the ceiling of the gym, no matter what you thought about the idea and the tactile reality of that rope on your inner thighs, had killed Nazis with a bayonet, you didn't whine to mommy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. the 4chan Guy who reads AlthouseApril 17, 2018 at 7:16 PM

    "When you knew that the gym teacher making you climb that rope to the ceiling of the gym, no matter what you thought about the idea and the tactile reality of that rope on your inner thighs, had killed Nazis with a bayonet, you didn't whine to mommy."

    Brilliant. I wish I wrote that.

    ReplyDelete

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