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Because shit happens when you're black-out drunk: we've all been there, that's probably how most people get herpes and shit.

I was reading some shit about the movie 'Chappaquiddick' and it got me to thinking how shit goes sideways in life, but if it didn't go sideways and it just went straight it could be even worse.

Like, Chappaquiddick sucked for Mary Jo. You're thinking you're hanging out with a rich guy who is going to be President of the United States and shit, life's cool, and then you're upside-down in the water and the fucker takes off. So you're there in the water, it's probably all dark and cold and shit, and you're thinking help's on it's way, it'll be here anytime now, but then you realize that Ted Kennedy is a dick and you're fucked.

And Ted, he doesn't get to be President now. Which was probably a good thing for America, really, because a drunk-ass alcoholic President could've fucked all kinds of shit up. Like, he could've woken up from a three-day gin-binge and his aides would have to tell him that he nuked Cuba, because he doesn't remember any of it. Because shit happens when you're black-out drunk: we've all been there, that's probably how most people get herpes and shit.

But Ted was probably bummed by it, even though he didn't have to, like, serve any prison time. And you just know in prison there would've been a stone-cold Lifer who would do anything to be The Guy Who Fucked a Kennedy In The Ass and Made Him His Bitch. Because what are you gonna do, sentence him to life in prison with no parole again? Stone-cold Lifer don't give no fuck, and he'd probably get a fucking awesome epic prison tattoo for that shit.

And there were probably a dozen dead-eyed loner dudes across the country just polishing their guns and xeroxing their manifestos, waiting for Teddy to become President so that they could Step Up and Go Big. Because in the late Sixties it was all Kennedys and Charlie Manson, basically: Teddy was, like, in the on-deck circle of Dark Crazy Seventies America.

So Chappaquiddick kept Teddy from being an assassinated President, and Dark Crazy Seventies America went on to having Manson-chick Squeaky Fromme shooting Gerald Ford, instead. Which is some Dark Crazy Seventies shit there, but maybe not as Dark Crazy Seventies as Manson-victim Sharon Tate's widower husband going on to bang thirteen-year-old chicks in the ass in Hollywood.

And all this shit happened before there was even any internet, people had to read about it in newspapers and black-and-white TVs and shit. Like, you could have had the funniest thing to say about all of it, but then had no way for getting a lot of people to hear it. Because what isn't funny about a chick so fucked up that she carved a swastika into her own forehead? I mean, that's what 4chan is made for.

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